


I Will Always Wait Forever or I'm Willing To Wait For It

by orphan_account



Series: Lams Prompts [3]
Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 06:45:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10961868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: John's afraid Alex will leave like his last boyfriend if he isn't ready to take the next step. Alex proves him otherwise.





	I Will Always Wait Forever or I'm Willing To Wait For It

Alex dropped his bag with a thump as he entered John's apartment, he'd slammed the door on the way.  
'Bad day at the office?' John smiled at him as Alex stormed his way into the living room, plopping himself onto the couch next to John.

'You wouldn't believe. Ugh' Alex groaned and slumped against John, lying his head on his shoulder to watch him type at his laptop.

'Wanna talk about it?' John had barely finished asking the question when Alex started bitching about how Jefferson was being particularly annoying today. He said that the man kept 'Insulting his intellect' and was 'Being a huge prick'. It took all the restraint John had not to laugh at his boyfriend's childlish explanation of his day.  
'Got any good news?' 

'Does me fucking you tonight help?' Alex gave him what John supposed must have been a seductive look, but he was kind of busy freezing up. He went completely mute and looked away, blushing madly. 'Oh, sorry, was that too forward? I know we haven't really done anything yet. I just didn't know how to bring it up... That was really crass, I'm sorry'

'N-no, it's not that. It's just-' John sighed he so did not want to have this conversation. He knew Alex wanted more, wanted to have sex. John just didn't know how to tell him that he wasn't ready yet. He'd never been with a man like that before, he'd had a few girls, sure, but never even came close to having sex with a man before Alexander. John was kind of afraid that Alex would leave him if he told him he didn't want to have sex anytime soon. There was a part of him, the more rational part, that told him that Alex wouldn't care, that Alex was with John for more than sex, he wouldn't mind waiting till he was more comfortable with it. But Alex was a really sexual kind of guy, wether it be the countless one night stands John knew about or his constant jokes. Alex just liked sex, fair enough. John didn't want to disapoint him and his brain was making up more and more scenarios about Alex leaving while he thought about it, almost working himself up to something like a panic attack. 'I-I want to' He stuttered, it hurt to say it, he knew he didn't, but surely he could just man up and get through it.

'John, are you sure? You know I'd never force you into it or anythi-' Alex started but didn't get to finish because John cut him off with a dissimive 'Yeah, yeah, I know' and he didn't know how to feel. On one hand, he definetly wanted to have sex with John, but on the other he wanted to make sure that John wanted it, didn't want to make him feel like he had to.  
'Really?' He asked and raised an eyebrow at John. 

'Yes, definetly.' John pulled him in for a kiss before he could protest any more. This was only kissing, John liked kissing, he could definetly do kissing, he could pretend this was all just kissing. But he knew this was going to be more than kissing, he agreed to more than kissing. 'So stupid John, you shouldn't have said you'd do this, you don't want this!' His brain was shouting at him. 'Alex'll leave you after a while, he'll get bored if you don't do this. Just get it over with.' 'You don't want this.' John was having a full blown battle with himself inside his head. 'I do want this. Just- Just not yet' He told himself. Alex fumbling at his shirt snapped him out of his head, he wasn't trying to take it off yet, more like hesitantly nudging the buttons to ask permission. John gulped and nodded his comfirmation. 'Stupid, John, you're being stupid, just tell him!' His head was back shouting again.

'You sure?' Alex was concerned. 'We don't even have to go all the way' John hated that Alex was being so nice, the little voice at the back of John's head was right. Alex was only trying to sound nice. He would never forcefully make John do anything, but he'd probably leave if John didn't do this. So he nodded and started unbuttonng his shirt and trying not to cry. His face was blank with a little false smile.  
'John, stop. John. I-I can't. You don't want to it's fine.' He hated this, why couldn't Alex just let him do this and stay with him. He loved him, never wanted him to leave.

'Please. Please Alex. I want to. I'll do anything. Please.' John had tears in his eyes and his voice was broken as he pleaded. It broke Alex's heart. 

'Baby, whats this about? You don't have to do anything. Its fine. Shh' Alex soothed him and rubbed his back. 'Shh, shhh. It's okay, I'm not going anywhere. I don't care if we have sex or not John. It doesn't matter, I still love you. We'll do it when your ready, or not at all. We don't have to' 

John blinked the tears away and clung to Alexander. 'I thought you wanted to?' He wiped his face, feeling stupid.

'Yeah, I want to. Of course. But I don't want to if you don't want it. I'd never do that to you. Did someone do that before? Is that why you don't want to?' Alex stroked his cheek and pulled him up closer, looking like he was ready to kill the man he thought had hurt John.

'No! No!' John grabbed at Alex. 'He didn't make me have sex, or pressure me. He just made me feel bad about it aand then left, it's stuipd. I'm just- I'm afraid it'll hurt-' He hung hs head a little like he thought he seemed weak. 'And the guilt of my dad is killing me' Alex made a face and John explained himself. 'I know what we're doing isn't bad or wrong, Alex. Don't get me wrong. It's just beat so far into my head that it just makes me feel weird. I'll get over it, I just need a little more time.'  
He sighed.

'All the time you need, I won't leave you, ever' Alex hugged him tighter. 'I'd wait forever' John smiled, he felt loved in Alex's. Well, and stupid for thinking Alex would leave him, and for crying. Alex never judged when John was a little emotional.

'I love you'

'I love you too'


End file.
